Cora Boyd doesn’t pull any punches. Love coach, dating and relationship expert, and just all-round awesome babe, she’s known for giving her clients the “compassionate kick up the arse” they need. Who better then, to sit down and answer 20 burning questions from the Dating Smartz readers?
No topic is off-limits in this interview – we’re talking dating anxiety, love during lockdown and dating app Catfishing, plus plenty more. Settle in for the full video below, or scroll down to get a sneak peek of the Q&As…
Meet Cora Boyd
She’s gone viral on YouTube. She’s written for countless big-name publications. And she’s the host of comedy show Date Night Live, Pillow Talk Radio, and Tinder is the Night – a pop-up Tinder dinner party. And that’s before we even mention her client work. Suffice to say, this girl knows her stuff.
Cora works with clients to create love lives that they feel they’re really thriving in, and her approach has many faces. Among the strategies and frameworks she favours, there’s exploring emotional processing – learning how to understand our feelings and make decisions more effectively – and discovering how to establish a powerful online presence – via dating apps, for example. The bottom line, she says? It’s about making it fun for each individual.
“I take a customised approach with each client and we do a lot of group work. It’s super fun, super gratifying and, ultimately, the work that we do translates over into all aspects of life. We’re looking at relationships, we’re looking at confidence and, inevitably, that translates into work, too. We focus on the love life but I’m always pleasantly surprised how it crosses over.”
Your dating questions answered – Cora Boyd Q&A
I’m struggling with Tinder. The pics are always overly filtered or photoshopped and the girls I meet often look nothing like their pics in real life. Should I start asking for Facetime before asking a girl out? Or is that a bit forward? – Joe
Right now, it’s a lot more commonplace to do a video call as a kind of interim step. The thing with Tinder is it’s such an unfiltered pool, so you’re going to cross paths with people that are potentially being dishonest, or might be a little whack! But you can also come across some incredible people, as well. It’s just knowing that going into it, and thinking how do I filter for myself? So, I think that a video call would be a great way to build trust. Honestly, even before the pandemic, I would recommend doing that anyway. Hopping on a video call is so low stakes and it’s a great way to practice and get comfortable before the real thing.
I met this guy a few months ago (before Coronavirus). We had amazing chemistry and the sex was great but the conversation is a bit dry. It’s even more obvious since we’ve not been able to see each other. Shall I persevere? – Jasmine, North London
If there’s enough interest and intrigue there based on the physical chemistry, I would make a real honest, concerted effort to give the conversation a chance. Conversation is a two-way street, and it’s about how you are showing up in a way that’s inviting. That you’re asking interesting questions and you are also taking a conversational lead and talking about things you’re interested in. That you’re making sure you share, so the conversation can go deeper. If you know you’re doing everything you can on your end to set the stage for them to feel comfortable and share… Give that a real honest try and after that, if it’s still meh, then you know you gave it a shot in every aspect.
I suffer badly from anxiety. I can actually get breathless in the early stages of a conversation with someone and it’s putting me off dating completely. Any tips for feeling more at ease when meeting someone new? – Sophie
I would say practice in general. Check out my podcast on How to Gamify Human Connection. It’s a really simple conversational strategy. You need to strip it back and focus on the basics and practice making convo with the pharmacist, for example. Just practice getting conversational. And also, breathing. If you’re on a date go to the bathroom and take six deep breaths, or simply pause to take a breath in the convo. You need to become more comfortable and build your confidence on the social side of things, and then focus on the breath to be more relaxed.
My partner and I were both made redundant during lockdown and we have spent what feels like 24/7 together for the last six months. The strain is really starting to show and I think I’m falling out of love. While we’re still both looking for jobs, a romantic weekend away or holiday is out of the question. How do we get the spark back? – Anon
In romantic relationships, we have the commonality – what we have in common – as the platonic base and the trust foundation, and then we have attraction, which is in the polarity – or what makes us different. I call that individuation with my clients. We’re most attracted to people when we feel a little bit of separation so just to validate, it’s TOTALLY understandable that right now you don’t want to jump each other’s bones. You’re going through a tough time.
The best thing you can do is try and get some time separate from each other. Even if that looks like ‘alone together’ – someone in this room watching educational YouTube videos that really inspire them, and the other cooking in the kitchen. Get that time apart and use that time to really feed what makes you feel good as an individual. Then you can come back together and you’re charged up and you had an opportunity to miss each other. And if a romantic weekend is out of the question, then what can you do together that’s romantic when you come back together? Even if it’s a nice dinner, maybe get dressed up just for kicks at home or whatever it is.
I recently came out to my parents but have yet to tell my friends. Do you have any tips for a girl in her mid-twenties approaching the lesbian dating scene for the first time? – Leah
Starting dating women in your 20s is exciting, right? Instead of being 14 and just not knowing what you’re doing in general. You’re probably more established in your personhood, like you know more about who you are.
When you’re doing new things in general what helps you the most? Think, does it help me to let other people know that this is new for me? Does it help me to dive in and learn from experience? Understand that when we let people in on this process, that’s really endearing. We don’t need to feel this pressure to be an expert at something we’re not the expert in yet! Give yourself some credit. Anytime we go on a date all we’re doing is spending time with someone, we’re feeling it out, we’re building rapport. You probably know a lot more about this than you think you do, and you should use this as an opportunity to step into newness in an excited and positive way.